When does the scale tip? As I ride this ride for the millionth time. Fatigue draped over me. Mind in a million places, trying to figure out a million solutions to strike that first million.
But it's not about the money, it's about freedom. It's not about the popularity, it's about culture. It's not about the recognition, it's about the liberation.
Where the dreamers dream under the flashing lights. Wishing, when I bat my eyes, that this reality were a fantasy.
Stoic and insensitive so the stress don't get to me. Don't wanna break down, don't want to know it got the best of me. Inhale and exhale, reminding myself: current struggles will be past laughs.
But as the music plays in the headphones, staring out the window, looking at these gritty streets, nearly blinded by the bright lights, I can't help but wonder if the story will include the reason why all of this had to happen.
This was probably written around late 2007. At one point working at FedEx Office, they moved me over to the overnight shift. I would have to work from 9PM to 9AM from Thursday night to Sunday morning. I am sure I hated that shift given how it killed my social life (that I really didn’t have). If you never worked an overnight shift, especially if the rest of the week you sleep during normal hours, it is hard for your body to adjust. The line “fatigued draped over me” really showcases how mentally and physically tired I was.
So I imagined there was a lot of frustration during that time. At this point, I have briefly dropped out of college. I originally was attending City College of New York, pursuing a degree in Computer Science. I “foolishly” chose the check and learning graphic design at the job over school. So I am sure I was at a juncture kinda questioning what was life going to look like for me moving forward. Just the awareness is also very eye opening, I am surprised I was able to identify my “stoic” demeanor (I wonder if someone used that term to describe me). But I for sure don’t align with “insensitive”, definitely a more mature version of me would use something like desensitized or disconnected to better describe my relationship to work stress.
And what makes this piece so interesting is that nearly 20 years later, I am kinda in the same boat. At this juncture, I am merely trying to survive. Back then, I would assume my thoughts were about discovery, about what was next for me. But the key thing that sticks out the most for me, is the idea of “freedom”. Like most young people coming from low-income families, you think wealth will save you. But even the 20 year old me never cared about the wealth or fame, I really wanted the ability to express myself & have more control over my life. Hopefully the next 20 years I don’t have to write another piece like this sort of sentiment.
