I’m Too Grown For This Shit

These thoughts have been circulating in my head for a little over a month. How did it all start? One Saturday in early October, I had my first date with someone. I thought it went well, and we even ended the date discussing how we looked forward to date #2. The following Tuesday, I got a text: “I’m not sure whether I am ready to open up to someone.” My shoulders slumped. I went numb for a brief moment and then moved on with my workday.

Was I surprised? Yes and no. Yes, because nobody expects that. No, because for the last two years, 90% of the women I dated would eventually come to the realization that they weren’t ready. Now, in hindsight, it’s a good thing because ideally, you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in one and wants to be in one with you.

Simultaneously, I was having a conversation with a friend as they discussed some of their more recent activities. Out of respect, I won’t go into detail about what happened. Knowing some of their history, they revealed that they had put themselves in some very compromising positions. I didn’t say anything at the time, but I was very disappointed. Then another friend shared some recent events and must have forgotten that they had me on their Instagram Close Friends list, where they revealed some questionable acts.

These real-world circumstances immediately created a mental shift in how I viewed what I was seeing on social media. At this point, we were either approaching Election Day or a few days past the results, and I remember scrolling on Twitter (I refuse to call it X) one day and seeing an endless amount of people on my timeline arguing about typical topics (dating, finances, men vs. women behavior, etc.) and reacting to individuals’ political stances and comments (somewhat rightfully so).

At that moment, it hit me. I was tired. I was over it. Over it all. For the very first time in my 30s, I felt this wave of, “I am an adult, and various things no longer serve me. I am too grown for [fill in the blank].” I am tired of spending hours on the phone trying to give constructive advice so that people can hopefully make better choices for themselves, only for them to willingly choose the wrong route. (This may sound ego-driven.) I’m tired of being a wake-up call for some women, being the realization that they need to be emotionally ready to date with intention. And I’m tired of the constant discourse on social media. People don’t even talk about the things they like anymore. They just sign on every day to argue with strangers or tell someone that their opinion is wrong. Also, we don’t communicate healthily on Instagram. We just constantly send memes and reels back and forth for weeks, sometimes months, at a time.

So, as all these things happened within three weeks, I knew I wanted to take a new approach to ending this year and going into 2025. I started to step back and greatly reduced my social media usage, cutting out the noise and stopping the endless scrolling. I unfollowed a bunch of people and entities on Instagram. Since I typically save my PTO for the end of the year, I’ve enjoyed more solo outings instead of relying on friends or dating to enjoy the pleasantries of NYC.

I completely deprioritized dating as a whole. As someone who is very selective about whom I pursue, when things end unexpectedly, they tend to have a profound impact on me. Relinquishing the deep desire to seek a partnership has brought so much ease and calmness to my psyche.

The same goes for friends who willingly put themselves in compromising positions. If they wish to vent, by all means. But as I get closer to 40 (most of my friends are around my age), I can no longer spend hours giving advice to individuals who truly have no intention of changing their behavior or avoiding harmful situations.

I need these individuals (people in general, really) to take the proper course of action: therapy. I’ve noticed that people who have experienced trauma can be stubborn about seeking help. They know themselves better than anyone else, so they don’t consult their friends or take their advice. They’d rather find a solution on their own. But they fail to realize that their solutions can be biased and shaped by their comfort zones. Change is uncomfortable.

Dating will not save you. Getting into a relationship will not save you. Your vices will not save you. Distractions will not save you. Ignoring the facts will not save you. Those hits of dopamine will not save you.

People need healing. People need to stop being in denial. People need to pull back the layers. People need to do the real work (not the frivolous kind that solves nothing). We all have harsh truths to live with, but constantly pushing them to the wayside will only lead us down a path where the same mistakes continue. We end up blocking our blessings because we refuse to do the proper work.

Not everyone has the tools to educate themselves and make changes that will benefit them in the long run. Becoming a better version of yourself is hard. Life is hard. Navigating all its nuances is complex and taxing, and sometimes it can feel like a burden. But these are realizations people must make on their own.

I will forever be a huge advocate for therapy. It has had a profound impact on my life, helping me clean up the clutter in my brain as I navigate very normal life experiences. I only hope more people draw that same conclusion and take the proper course of action instead of putting themselves in precarious positions.

And I definitely don’t want to come across as someone who has “figured it out.” I’ve made my share of mistakes (some knowingly). But, on the other hand, I was gifted with a skill that has benefited me as well. As Jay-Z once said, “Hov did that so hopefully you ain’t got to go through that.” I’ve seen the choices peers and strangers have made and recognized that I didn’t want to put myself in those same situations. But for many of us, we need a true professional to help us unravel who we are, understand the roots of our behavior and why we think or feel the way we do, and hopefully avoid making certain choices in the future.

To summarize, shifting my focus and pouring into myself has been feeding my spirit. I’ve been enjoying my solo outings, staying more committed to the gym than ever (I physically feel great), and looking into things I want to prioritize in the new year (getting back to podcasting… again, journaling, reading, possibly taking coursework to become a life coach, etc.).

All in all, my daily focus is…

Comfort. Peace. Tranquility.